Whenever it comes to being a career orientated, strong, independent woman, it seems to be most problematic in the Black community. Earlier this week, Being Mary Jane, aired on BET. Gabrielle Union stars as the lead protagonist, who is a lonely, yet successful news broadcaster. In the opening credits, there was a statistic that stated 42% of Black women were unmarried.
I have learned that Black women are stereotyped as unlovable and destined to be lonely because we focus so much on our academic achievements and career paths, the times we do have a man, some sisters, not all, use this to uplift themselves, causing men, whether intentional or not, to feel emasculated and useless. The sad thing about this is that I have come to this realization in my late teens. I am content with prioritizing school and my career goals over looking for a man and sacrificing my dreams to stroke a his ego.
I have always worked since my first year in college. I became a campus tour guide in December 2010. Getting a job was not a necessity. I wanted to be more involved on campus and I wanted some extra spending money. (A refund check only goes so far and I did not want to eat student center food all of the time.)
I did look into having a sugar daddy or just men in general who would buy me things. To live a life based on male sponsorship it requires having sex and/or having game. With me and sex, it was a mixture of being scared of becoming pregnant or getting a STI(s), not wanting to have sex based on my Christian upbringing, and not being attracted to the men who were interested in me for they were usually ugly, old, creepy, and/or all talk. And with the game part, I am a good public speaker but when it comes to the fellas...womp womp.
After many failed attempts of seeking male sponsorship, I had come to the conclusion that all of the energy I was putting into looking for a man to take care of me could have been utilized at my job.
From then on, I have always worked multiple jobs, usually two to three at one time. I have been a Student Assistant in African & Black Diaspora Studies, peer mentor, a peer facilitator, and worked in Housing Services. Having a job was easier and more fulfilling than looking for a man. I enjoy having money to go shopping, to buy groceries, and to help my family. You get a sense of pride from spending and saving money the you earned.
Being self sufficient does not only apply to money. Depending on men to do things for you in general becomes tiresome.
Whenever I go home to buy groceries in bulk, the same thing happens every time I am packing my food to leave. Whether I have a suitcase or especially when I have multiple bags, my dad always worries about me going downtown by myself. In the back of my mind I am thinking that after being single for a while, you get use to carrying pounds of groceries on public transit, trying your hardest to not let your fingers freeze from the gallon of milk while being careful to not smush your loaf of bread.
It is not as though I do not want help. When I am lugging my big suitcase up the stairs of Millennium Station, I do hope some smooth brother comes from the side and asks to help me with my suitcase. I refuse, he insists, and I comply while smiling and blushing. We start walking and talking, then exchange numbers. From there we become lovers and as my boyfriend, he always escorts me on my future trips from home with my groceries.
In reality, either there are no men around or whenever there is, no one offers to help. Being my mother's child, I am not about to boo hoo; I can do bad all by myself. ;-)
How I understand it is that it is emotionally overwhelming and unrealistic to look and then depend on a man. Growing up poor plus having a mother that always emphasized the importance of getting an education in order to get a well paying job has forced me to adopt the mentality, as many of the women in my family have done, of making things happen. It's a good feeling of having your business handled. It's an even greater feeling to know that you are the reason that the job got done.
This is not to stay that if you are independent you will be lonely. There are men who love independent women. According to Feminista Jones, she has a man who makes her happy.
SH
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